


The Times of Arda

by JaneSpeedwell



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Doriath, Dunland, First Age, Fourth Age, Gen, Gondolin, Gondor, Humor, Isengard, Mordor, Ost-in-Edhil, Parody, Second Age, Third Age, Tirion, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-05-14 11:58:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 6,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14769185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneSpeedwell/pseuds/JaneSpeedwell
Summary: Arda's most popular (fictional) newspaper, covering news, business, celebrity and lifestyle stories from all corners of Middle Earth & Aman, since Y.T. 1133.





	1. Phwoar! Fëanáro’s sons bare all for charity

Tirion Y.T. 1492

As our readers will know, Tirion’s annual charity calendar features artfully posed naked photos of local Noldor heartthrobs.

Happily, Fëanáro’s seven sons have banded together to provide the subject of this year’s calendar. To the delight of elf maidens everywhere, the calendar features plenty of individual shots as well as group portraits. Here is the Times of Arda‘s definitive ranking of the individual portraits of Fëanáro’s gorgeous brood:

1.Nelyafinwë really earns his mother-name in this calendar; he is pictured posing on a mountaintop, luscious copper locks flowing in the wind. Intriguingly, this portrait reveals a mysterious tattoo on Nelyafinwë’s thigh which seems to begin with an ‘F’. Readers, if you know who this lucky Miss (or Mr!) ‘F’ might be, write in to tell us at the Times of Arda!

2\. Makalaurë’s soulful gaze is enough to melt the heart of any woman, as he sits by the seashore at Alqualondë cradling a well-placed harp.

3\. A heavily-muscled Tyelkormo is pictured striding through a forest, wielding a large bow and followed by his faithful hound Huan.

4&5\. Ambarussa – pictured casually leaning against a fountain, with only some trailing vines for coverage, these redheaded twins really are two for the price of one!

6\. Curufinwë poses artfully next to a tongue of fire in a smithy that’s oh-so-hot.

7\. Carnistir is dark and brooding, in a black and white portrait.

We think this year’s calendar will sell out fast, so get hold of a copy while you still can. All profits go to the Tirion Society for the Protection of Animals (TSPA).


	2. Lord Denethor to crack down on 'Dark Web' in Gondor

Minas Tirith, T.A. 2979

The so-called ‘dark web’, a complex network of communications made up of coded correspondence and word of mouth, has become notorious in recent years. The Dark Web network is used for everything from hiring contract killers (usually ‘squint-eyed southerners’), to buying drugs such as pipeweed, to storing repositories of banned orc pornography.

Lord Denethor has just revealed plans to crack down on the Dark Web within Gondor. In an address to the people of Gondor sent out by herald riders, he said:

"It is time that the state addresses the problem of the Dark Web. For too long now has it been a cancer in the realm, a source of pestilence and vice. After I crush the Dark Web’s regional operations, Gondor shall truly see that it has a strong, morally principled leader who is tough on crime and disorder".

Sources close to the Steward have suggested that the anti-Dark Web operation will involve planting spies in the Dark Web’s criminal networks, and introducing severe new penalties for anyone caught communicating through it, whether by letter, messenger or palantír.

There have however been doubts as to the effectiveness of Denethor’s alleged strategy. The wizard Mithrandir, in particular, is sceptical. Talking to a Times of Arda reporter, Mithrandir claimed that:

"The person who’s behind this whole Dark Web network is almost certainly Sauron, who seems to have risen again in Mordor.

"I worry that the Steward won’t admit this to be true. I am also concerned that the few existing palantíri are known to be especially susceptible to the Dark Web and thus to Sauron’s influence. If a palantír were to fall into the wrong hands and Sauron managed to corrupt that person’s judgment – well, things wouldn’t look good for Gondor".


	3. Migration of Men continues to rise

F.A.

Officials at Prince Caranthir’s borders in eastern Beleriand have reported an increasing number of Men crossing into the elven realms from across the Ered Luin. A number of refugee support organisations have been established recently and are active in the area. They assist Men in finding food, shelter, and in obtaining residence permits or organising onward travel. A spokeself for one such organisation said:

"These Men who are arriving into Beleriand are refugees in the true sense of the word; they speak of horrors in the lands behind the Ered Luin, which we can presume are Morgoth’s work. We recognise that Men are our distant brethren, as fellow Children of Eru, and believe that with sufficient organisation and goodwill, there is room for all of us to cohabit peacefully in the wide spaces of Beleriand".

However, not all observers of the mass migration phenomenon have been so optimistic. One resident of Hithlum, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed concern at the flood of migrants:

"Men are all very well, I suppose – in their own country – but they don’t belong here. Beleriand is the home of the Elves, not of Men. We are seeing approximately 100 men, women and children crossing our borders every single day. They carry diseases and perverse social habits; the men are universally brutal and the women are degraded. Men will disrupt the fabric of our society and dilute our unique Eldarin culture. The impact on the Eldar will be disastrous if governments do not start turning the migrants back at the border".

Of all the elven rulers, only Prince Caranthir offered comment, saying:

"Men are, of course, complete savages – but I’ve seen they are good fighters (particularly the people of Haleth), so I’m happy enough to let them settle in my domains. They ought to provide a useful bulwark against Morgoth’s armies, though their usefulness remains to be seen, given their ridiculously brief lifespans".


	4. Aredhel dazzles in white at charity gala

Gondolin, F.A. 258

The Annual Gala of the Gondolin Refugee Association is renowned for being a gathering place for the great and good of the Hidden City.

So it was no surprise to see Princess Aredhel last night, surrounded by a phalanx of admirers, stepping out on the red carpet and posing for quick pencil sketches. She dazzled in a white dress which was made from watered silk and delicately embroidered at the edges. The Princess accessorised with tasteful silver jewellery, imitations of which are already flying off the shelves, our fashion editor assures us.

In contrast to her outing last year at Lord Ecthelion’s begetting-day party, where the princess shocked guests in a low-cut transparent gown, Aredhel’s Gala dress was positively modest, featuring multiple layers, and half-length trailing sleeves.

The Gondolin Refugee Association has been criticised in the past for not living up to its mandate, and observers have questioned where the funds from events such as this go, given that Gondolin’s record of accepting refugees is – to date – nonexistent. The charity’s defenders argue that state policy makes it impossible for the GRA to actually take in refugees from Outside.


	5. Horsing around: my wild fling with King Elessar

Ithilien, T.A. 3025

In an exclusive interview with The Times of Arda, Éowyn, Lady of Ithilien, has revealed details of her torrid affair with King Elessar of Gondor in the year 3019.

As is well known, King Elessar (or Aragorn, as he was known then), played a central and heroic part in the events of 3019, in which he helped defeat Sauron and assumed the kingship of Gondor and Arnor.

What’s less well-known, however, is that while he was staying in Rohan that year, he conducted a secret love affair with the beautiful Éowyn, the present King of Rohan’s sister.

Aragorn had actually been engaged to marry Queen Arwen since 2080, but the pressures of a lonely life as a Ranger obviously got to him; the lure of female companionship was too strong to resist.

"I first met Aragorn in the mead-hall at Meduseld. I think someone took a picture of the moment, but for me the moment will be etched in my memory forever. I was handing round the traditional cup of welcome. As I handed the cup to Aragorn, our hands touched, and he raised his dreamy grey eyes to me, piercing me with his lordly stare. Later that day, as I walked past him, he slipped me a note, which read ‘Meet me tonight. Guest chambers. 2am’".

Smitten with her mysterious guest, Éowyn entered Aragorn’s chambers as desired, with trepidation and excitement.

"We had a mind-blowing night. I won’t go into details, out of respect for Aragorn’s wife, but let’s just say I don’t think anyone in Meduseld failed to hear what was going on that night! In hindsight, it’s quite amazing that no-one spilled the beans at the time. I think Aragorn’s companions were too dedicated to him to spread rumours about his personal life".

Their whirlwind romance continued for several months.

"It was a magical time; we were madly in love. After Aragorn left Meduseld to continue his campaigning, we exchanged passionate letters and saw each other when we could.

"But things changed the longer Aragorn was away.

"I sensed that his feelings were starting to change. He was growing colder to me, we were meeting less, and he started muttering about dark hair and pointy ears when we did see each other. The last straw for me was when he whispered ‘Arwen’ into my ear during one night of passion. When I found out he was already engaged, I was shocked and horrified, immediately breaking things off".

So why has Éowyn only decided to tell the world her story now? And how does her husband, Prince Faramir of Ithilien, feel about this all?

"I truly wish Aragorn the best in his new role as king and husband, but I’ve come to think that the public ought to know that their king is not quite the family man he presents himself as. As for my dear Faramir – he’s a very modern, open-minded sort of man, and doesn’t mind my past in the least. In fact he was very supportive of me giving this interview, as he believes that hypocrisy in any leader – even the king – should be exposed".

When pressed for comment, the Gondorian Press Office issued the following statement:

"The King categorically denies all allegations made in the offensive and spurious article to which you refer".

A private palace source, however, has suggested that there is more to the story than the king is letting on. Apparently, Elessar was suspiciously anxious about the article, and has tried to explain it to his wife as a case of jealousy and unrequited love on Éowyn’s part.

Only time will tell whether this particular skeleton will emerge any further from the King’s closet.


	6. Mordor: this year's hottest adventure travel destination

Mordor, Fo.A. 3069

Just fifty years ago, Mordor was a barren wasteland, devastated by ecological collapse, war, and – not least of its problems – being official HQ for a hugely powerful evil spirit.

However, thanks to an intensive clean-up campaign by Sauron’s former servants (King Elessar of Gondor famously offered them a choice between prison and rehabilitative community work), Mordor has been transformed into an ethnically and geographically diverse region which is now welcoming its first tourists following an extensive marketing campaign.

The Mordor Tourism Board (MTB) has been heavily promoting ecotourism, and indeed most of the activities and experiences on offer are well-suited to people with an outdoorsy bent.

So what can you and your family expect from a holiday adventure in Mordor?

There are a number of geological wonders to visit, most notably the 5000-year-old Mount Doom, with its dramatic lakes of fire and fantastic views of the surrounding plains.

You can go hiking in the Ephel Dúath, which are 100% safe for tourists since community workers cleared the area of giant spiders and other evil creatures. Now, you can marvel at the sheer precipices and awe-inspiring valleys that were previously off-limits to all but kamikaze hobbits.

As you push deeper into the untamed wildernesses of Mordor, you will see the rejuvenated Sea of Núrnen, a huge inland sea in which you can go fishing, boating and snorkelling.

For history lovers, the ruins of the great fortress of Barad-dûr are now open to the public, along with a newly-built Museum of Repressions, which documents Sauron’s many atrocities in the region.

When to go:  
Spring and autumn are the best times of year to visit, as the climate stabilises to a pleasant 24°C. Springtime sees the ground carpeted with wildflowers.

Where to stay:  
Grishnákh’s Homestay, on the western shore of the Sea of Núrnen, offers comfortable log cabins, horse riding, and great hospitality from a local orc family.

Where to eat:  
Mordor isn’t Arda’s top foodie destination, but we’d recommend the cafe at the Museum of Repressions, which does good cakes and decent coffee.

Package tours are available with The Middle Earth Adventure Co., starting from 5000 castars (based on two people sharing, 14 nights, half board).


	7. Forging a new partnership: Annatar promoted to Board of Gwaith-i-Mírdain Designs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strongly influenced by Arrogantemu's wonderful Annatar/Celebrimbor story 'These Gifts You Have Given Me'.

S.A. 1230

A Maia who names himself Annatar (‘Lord of Gifts’) has just been appointed to the Board of Gwaith-i-Mírdain Designs, Eregion’s premier technology and metalworking company.

Annatar started working for GMD when he arrived in the city of Ost-in-Edhil 30 years ago. This is the company’s first promotion to the Board in over 200 years, and Celebrimbor, GMD’s CEO, has the following to say about the appointment:

"Annatar has proved to be an extremely valuable colleague. His knowledge of metallurgy, mathematics, physics, chemistry and linguistics is second-to-none, and he has already taught us a great deal. Annatar is the very model of a collaborative scientist, and the Board is pleased to welcome him to their ranks in the hope that he will continue his great work for GMD over the coming centuries".

Rumour has it that while the members of the Gwaith-i-Mírdain are happy with the appointment, some prominent political figures in Eregion are less approving. A spokeself for High King Gil-Galad commented cryptically that “people who seem too good to be true usually are”, and Lady Galadriel reportedly shut her doors in Annatar’s face when he came to pay his respects.

It seems the three Elven rulers cautioned Celebrimbor not to trust Annatar, but he may feel vindicated by the fact that since the Maia joined GMD in S.A. 1200, productivity has shot up and share prices have increased by 500%.

Meanwhile, court gossip in Ost-in-Edhil is already starting to suggest that Celebrimbor may be finding comfort in the arms of his new colleague. According to one close friend:

"Something most people don’t know is that Celebrimbor never really got over being rejected by Galadriel in the First Age. He’s never showed interest in any woman since then, which leads some of us to wonder whether he’s now decided to bat for the other side. Annatar is, after all, extremely charming and handsome, and more than a match for Celebrimbor’s intelligence".


	8. Thingol issues plea for foster-son's return

Doriath, F.A. 485

King Thingol of Doriath has issued a heartfelt plea for his foster-son Túrin to return to Doriath, one month after Túrin fled the kingdom.

In details which have only just emerged from Doriath, it is reported that a month ago, Túrin got into a dispute with the king’s councillor Saeros, whom he then inadvertently drove to his death while chasing him through the woods. Fearing the king’s displeasure, Túrin fled, and his current whereabouts are unknown. However, on discovering that Saeros’ death was an accident, Thingol has forgiven Túrin and requests his return.

Thingol has sent out errand riders to all corners of his realm, bearing the following letter for Túrin:

"Dear Túrin (NOT Neithan, Gorthol, Agarwaen, Mormegil, Turambar, or whatever you are calling yourself nowadays),

"Notwithstanding the fact that you have always been a bit of an ungrateful brat, I would like you to return to Doriath with all haste. I find that I do actually miss you, despite all the evidence of your serious character flaws.

"Most probably, it’s all just a massive guilt-trip to make up for how badly I treated Beren, the last Man to come my way…

"But regardless of my motivations, I really would appreciate you coming home again. Menegroth isn’t the same without your brooding face at breakfast every morning.

"I forgive you for everything: for chasing Saeros to his death; for throwing that cup of wine in his face; for that time you called Melian a “cranky old bint”; and even for all the sherry you have sneaked out of the cellars over the years (don’t think I didn’t notice)!

"Yours in equal parts affection and frustration,

"Ada

(King Elu Thingol of Doriath, etc etc.)"

In addition, Thingol encourages anyone who might have seen Túrin, to report the time and place of sighting to him as soon as possible.


	9. Isengard Investment Trust fined by Middle Earth Advertising Agency

The Middle Earth Advertising Agency has ruled that Isengard Investment Trust (IIT) acted in breach of the MEAA’s Code of Practice when it made misleading claims about its investment products. IIT has been fined £3,500 and has had to issue a public apology.

In a newspaper advert, IIT claimed that anyone who bought shares in IIT would be guaranteed a minimum annual return of 23%. See the text of the offending advert below:

A Wizard is never late. Nor is he early. Nor does he make bad financial decisions.  
Invest your money in a new kind of fund. One run by a financial wizard (no, really).  
ISENGARD INVESTMENT TRUST.  
\- Guaranteed annual returns of at least 23%  
\- Unethical investment options  
\- Monthly palantír updates on your investments.

In reality, the value of the fund started decreasing rapidly after Isengard’s defeat at the Battle of Helm’s Deep, falling to a value of 0.001 pence per share, thereby giving a negative return of -828%. Investors were understandably angry that they had lost considerable sums of money, and made a group complaint to the MEAA.

IIT argued that the wording of the advert did not technically exclude the possibility that shares could decrease in value. In the alternative, it was naive of customers to believe the claim, given that it was made during a period of general unrest.

IIT’s Fund Manager, Saruman the White, observed that when the advert was produced, there was every sign that IIT’s investments, centred around Isengard’s military and industrial output, would continue to perform well and meet or exceed the promised 23% return for investors. To quote the disgraced fund manager:

"Really, who could have predicted that two hobbits, some talking trees, and a rabble of horse-obsessives could have brought down Saruman the Great and his state-of-the-art armed forces?"

However, the MEAA held that the advert violated the Code since it should have contained a written caveat that investments may decrease in value. It was unjust to blame customers for buying shares in what turned out to be a very dodgy investment trust.

As for MEAA’s erstwhile boss, he was last heard of wandering the wilds of Eriador with his unpleasant sidekick, Gríma Wormtongue.


	10. Is there more to Beleriand’s most famous bromance than meets the eye?

Himring, F.A. 54

It’s well known that Prince Maedhros has long had a special place in his heart for his raven-haired rescuer, Prince Fingon. But is it simply brotherly love and affection, or are they actually star-crossed lovers?

Rumours have been circulating in Hithlum that Maedhros and Fingon are in fact in a romantic relationship, and have been so since the Years of the Trees in Aman.

A close friend of Maedhros has revealed to The Times of Arda that the two Noldor princes are ‘madly in love’. Fingon has been spotted slipping into Maedhros’ chambers and staying all night, and eagle-eyed observers have reportedly seen the two friends emerge from the palace baths in a state of dishevelment.

Asked why this hadn’t all come out earlier (no pun intended), our source said:

"Although this affair has been going on since Aman, Maedhros and Fingon were always very discreet about it. They’re both very private people. But since Maedhros’ imprisonment and miraculous rescue, I think they’ve decided to live in the moment and not hide their love anymore".

Reactions to this gossip have been mixed, with distinguished historian J.R.R. Tolkien weighing in on the debate to say:

"The very idea of homosexuality among Elves is preposterous. These rumours are merely the product of the overheated imaginations of writers of the arcane genre of ‘fan-fiction’, most of whose proponents – I might add – are susceptible young females".

One can only wonder what Fingon’s father, the High King, will think of all this, since he is notoriously old-fashioned regarding same-sex relationships.


	11. Gamgee’s Potatoes to acquire rival Entwife Farm Foods in £6m deal

Hobbiton, Fo.A. 58

Successful Shire potato export company Gamgee’s Potatoes is to acquire the assets of its struggling rival, Entwife Farm Foods (EFF).

Gamgee’s Potatoes (GP), founded by Samwise Gamgee in Fo.A. 17 to produce and export potatoes from the Shire area, has been doing very well in recent years. Contrary to some market fears, the business has continued to thrive since Mr Gamgee ceded day-to-day control of the company to his daughter Daisy Gardner four years ago.

Gamgee’s Potatoes is therefore looking to expand, and this takeover of Entwife Farm Foods fits the bill nicely.

Entwife Farm Foods, headquartered in the Brown Lands east of the Anduin, was a highly successful venture throughout the First and Second Ages until Sauron devastated the region, leaving crop cultivation near impossible. Since then, EFF has seen many management changes, none of which have improved the company’s lot. Entwives themselves have become scarce to the point of extinction, and last year the company filed for bankruptcy for the 15th time, leaving it ripe for administration or a takeover.

Ms Gardner of GP has the following comment on the takeover:

"Gamgee’s Potatoes are known for growing first-rate Shire potatoes, which we export to most markets in north-west Middle Earth. The Board believes that now, following Sauron’s defeat, is the right time to expand our business and penetrate new consumer markets, particularly east of the Anduin in the Brown Lands. The acquisition of Entwife Farm Foods will play a key part in developing our future strategy in these directions".

It is understood that Sandyman’s Spuds, a family company run by the children of Ted Sandyman, erstwhile miller of Hobbiton, also wished to acquire Entwife Farm Foods, but was beaten to it by Gamgee’s Potatoes. There is a well-known rivalry between the descendants of the two agricultural business dynasties, dating back to the time Mr Sandyman colluded with Sharkey and Mr Lotho Sackville-Baggins during the Scouring of the Shire – an incident which the Sandymans are keen to forget.


	12. It’s snow joke! Fellowship attacked by malicious mountain Caradhras

On Saturday, the famous Fellowship of the Ring was forced to abandon its ascent of Caradhras and turn back, as the mountain (aptly called ‘the Cruel’) caused a massive snowstorm which almost proved deadly for the Nine Walkers.

The Times of Arda made it to the scene and was able to talk to a couple of the shocked survivors.

Boromir told The Times how the hobbits were almost buried alive under the snow, until he, the dashing warrior of Gondor, excavated them with nothing more than his bare hands. He claimed that Aragorn stood idly by while Boromir endangered his very life to save the little hobbits, particularly the one with the lovely shiny ring.

We asked Aragorn for comment on this rather shocking allegation, but he simply looked grim and stalked away from our reporter.

Further cracks in the Fellowship’s fellowship became apparent when we interviewed Gimli son of Gloin:

"I always knew we should have gone through the Mines of Moria; we would have received a fine welcome from my kinsmen. What’s more, maybe going underground would have shut up that damned elf for a bit. Imagine! Skipping around on the snow and going on about how lovely the sunshine elsewhere is, while you’re trudging through the drifts and trying to stay alive. A dwarf would never be caught skipping – or admiring himself in the mirror, as I see ‘Prince’ Legolas doing every few hours…"

Samwise Gamgee offered a more prosaic assessment of the dire situation, commenting:

"Leastways they ought to build some sort of proper tunnel through the mountain, or install a cable car or something. That ain’t exactly wizardry – begging your pardon, Mr Gandalf – just plain hobbit common sense"!

Lastly, women across Middle Earth will be glad to know that the leggy blonde icon, Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, remains unscathed, his silvan good looks unaffected by the harsh weather.


	13. Finrod ‘not-so-beloved’ mired in corruption scandal

Nargothrond, F.A. 464

Finrod Felagund, King of Nargothrond, is famously known as ‘The Beloved’ thanks to his popularity among all races in Beleriand. He has always cultivated an image of honesty, selflessness and wisdom.

However, in explosive new allegations, sources within Nargothrond are claiming that Finrod is in fact involved in a massive corruption scandal which reaches to the heart of the Nargothrond state.

One source, who wished only to be known as ‘C’, had this to say about the popular King:

"Some months ago, Treasury officials discovered worrying discrepancies in the state budget. Funds which had been allocated to healthcare and education were mysteriously diminishing, without any corresponding expenditure.

"It soon became obvious that there was serious embezzlement going on, probably at the highest levels. Someone was taking taxpayers’ money earmarked for crucial social services, and diverting it into a private fund".

Government corruption is hardly unknown among the realms of the Eldar, but how can these allegations be linked to Finrod specifically? A second high-placed source, also named as ‘C’, explained that:

"As much as we would like to believe this is just the work of venal minor officials, there are distinct signs that Finrod is at the centre of this rotten scandal. In recent years, his private office has been spending large sums of money on unspecified items, and the origin of that money has not been accounted for.

"On top of that, he has been unusually reluctant in Council meetings to allow investigation of the royal exchequer, even demoting councillors if they dare to press for more financial openness".

In what is perhaps the most damming piece of evidence of all, one of Finrod’s private secretaries (who calls himself ‘C’) has revealed that Finrod has been making nocturnal visits to the State treasury and withdrawing considerable amounts of gold bullion.

One prominent political commentator, who also wishes to be known as ‘C’, has argued that if these corruption claims are true, Finrod is not qualified to hold office, and should resign the crown to more suitable candidates, of whom there are at least two in Nargothrond.

\-----------------------  
Editor’s note to correspondent – check facts of article before publication. In particular: who are the sources? It’s a bit suspicious that all four are called ‘C’. Could this have anything to do with the Sons of Fëanor?


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	15. Artanis and ‘love rat’ Tyelkormo break up in biggest scandal since Finwë’s remarriage

Tirion, F.A. 1487

Artanis Finarfinion and Tyelkormo Fëanorion have indisputably been Tirion’s golden couple for the last few decades. With both of them enjoying stunning good looks, renowned athleticism, and shared royal pedigree, pundits were betting on a marriage within the next century.

However, it has just emerged that the seemingly inseparable pair have split up acrimoniously, and shocking rumours of Tyelkormo’s alleged infidelity are flying around Tirion.

So what exactly happened to disturb these lovebirds in their royally feathered nest? The Times of Arda spoke to a close friend of Artanis’ to find out more.

"To be honest, their relationship has been on the rocks for some time now, because Artanis felt Tyelkormo wasn’t paying her enough attention.

"The crunch point came when Artanis discovered that Tyelkormo was arranging secret trysts with Aredhel. Some of us spotted them hunting together just hours after he had called off a sailing expedition with Artanis with the excuse that he felt unwell.

"When Artanis confronted Tyelkormo, he admitted that he’d fallen in love with Aredhel. He swore nothing had happened between them, but given what an – ahem – physical person Tyelkormo is, that seems frankly unlikely.

"There was lots of shouting and swearing, and Artanis smashed a couple of priceless vases when aiming them at her former lover; she’s always had a beastly temper, and hopefully this whole mess will take her down a peg or two!"

However, as well as Tyelkormo’s dalliance with Aredhel, the Times of Arda can reveal that Tyelkormo decided to admit to the affair because his father had been pressuring him to break the match off anyway.

It seems that Fëanor has always disapproved of his son courting the daughter of one of his hated half-brothers. If that’s the case, though, one imagines he won’t be much pleased with Tyelkormo’s new choice of lover either.

Artanis is reported to have developed an implacable hatred of Fëanor. She insisted, in an outburst heard by one of our correspondents, that:

"I, for one, have always seen through that awful Fëanor. I perceive a darkness in him which I hate and fear.

"Anyway, I never really liked any of his sons. What I desire has absolutely nothing to do with a certain gorgeous fair-haired hunter whose name begins with ‘T’; what I really want is to rule a realm of my own.

"I should think that Endorë would do nicely; it’s extremely far away from Tirion and certain personages therein, and there’s absolutely no way they would end up there as well!"

Cynics might say that Artanis’ self-righteous indignation is rather conveniently linked to the fact that one of Fëanor’s sons just threw her over – but while you might think that, we couldn’t possibly comment.


	16. Vanyar Choir wins first ever All-Aman Choral Competition

Valmar, Y.T. 1486

A Vanyar choir, Voces Valmar, has won the first All-Aman Choral Competition.

Choral groups from across Aman competed for a spot in the prestigious finals, which were held at the foot of Taniquetil on the 25th day of Lairë.

Battling it out at the end were Voces Valmar, The Falmari Singers, the Tirion a Cappella Society, and the Eressëa Jazz Choir. The judging panel had eight members, consisting of the Lady Yavanna and a number of prominent elven musicians and music critics.

While the Falmari Singers were praised for the sweetness of their voices, the Tirion a Capella Society for the complexity of their music, and the Eressëa Jazz Choir for their spirited performance, the judges unanimously voted Voces Valmar this year’s winner. In the words of Yavanna:

"Voces Valmar’s victory was well-deserved: the purity of their tone, the spiritual depth of their singing, and their excellent sense of ensemble are really unmatched".

One audience member who disagreed strongly with the result of the competition was Makalaurë Fëanorian, who opined that:

"The Tirion a Capella Society was clearly the best choir in this competition (not that that’s saying much). They were the only group which even came close to producing intellectually stimulating music. As far as I am concerned, the Teleri’s whistling and piping, and the Vanyar’s religious sycophancy, put them far below the standard required to perform and create good music".

One might wonder whether Makalaurë was simply put out that he was not asked to be on the judging panel. The controversial decision (he is widely acknowledged to be the best Noldor musician) was probably down to politics, given the increasing distance kept by the Fëanorians from the rest of the Amaneldi.


	17. United Socialist Republic of Dunland defeated in high-stakes court case

Edoras, Fo.A. 3089

This interesting case, heard in the High Court of Arda, has centered around the legality of the establishment of Rohan in the region which used to belong to the Dunlendings.

The background of the case was that in T.A. 2510, Steward Cirion of Gondor granted the lands of Calenardhon to the Éothéod (ancestors of the Rohirrim), under the leadership of Eorl the Young, in return for their assistance at the Field of Celebrant against the invading Balchoth peoples.

Dunland contested that Gondor, as a foreign state, had no right to take the lands and give them to the Rohirrim, without so much as offering compensation.

The case acquired a particularly ideological edge, as Dunland – being Middle earth’s only socialist republic – resented the imperialist ambitions of Gondor, and the imposition of a monarchical state on their ancestral lands.

To quote a member of Dunland’s Politburo who spoke passionately as a witness at the trial:

"We, the Dunlendings, were the first people in Middle Earth to set up a socialist state based on Marxist principles. Yet this glorious revolutionary fire was violently extinguished when those treasonous imperialist dogs, the Gondorians, decided to plunge our lands back into political darkness by unlawfully setting up a monarchist client state which re-introduced unjust feudalist hierarchies, abandoning the principles of universal education, literacy, and industrialisation, which were the core of our progressive agenda for Dunland. Now we are a forgotten people lingering in shadowed hills, while monarchical systems which perpetuate social inequality and corruption spring up like mushrooms around us".

Unfortunately for Dunland, the High Court of Arda ruled today that Calenardhon belonged legally to the state of Rohan. Whatever the original legal situation had been, by the Fourth Age it could reasonably be said that Rohan had earned possession of the region through uninterrupted use over the centuries.


	18. Elderly man stabbed in vicious Shire attack

Hobbiton T.A.3019

Hobbits and Men have been left stunned after yesterday's vicious attack on a defenceless old man in the village of Hobbiton.

The man, who The Times of Arda can reveal was none other than the revered wizard Saruman the White, had been living peaceably in Bag End for some time, having moved to the Shire in search of a quiet retirement spot.

Saruman formed a close friendship with Lotho Sackville-Baggins, and endeared himself to  the Shire folk by building new public facilities, improving infrastructure, and setting the area on a path to prosperity through small-scale industrialisation.

However, it seems that his greasy sidekick Gríma Wormtongue betrayed Saruman at the last, stabbing him in the back in an incident which onlookers have called 'unprovoked' and 'cowardly'.

Grieving hobbits gave Saruman a moving memorial ceremony, and scattered his ashes to the winds in memory of the good he had done for all corners of the Shire.

One local resident, Ted Sandyman, had the following to say about the departed wizard:

"There's those as'll try to tell you Sharkey [Saruman] was a bad egg, but I'll tell you straight - 'ee was a Good Thing for the Shire. 'Ee did what 'ad to be done, and promoted the best Hobbits to help him do it.  
    
"I, for one, will miss the grand old chap. And may I just point out that none of this trouble didn't start until those four bejewelled, becloaked and beweaponed hobbits turned up out of the blue! There's some folks as don't know when they're not welcome and it don't help when they're barking mad, babbling about rings and elves and I don't know what!"

Condolences may be sent care of Ted Sandyman, The Old Mill, Hobbiton HB12 8FN.

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Editor's note - check this for accuracy before going to press, please. Article tone seems unbalanced. In particular want to make sure that Saruman isn't influencing journalists from beyond the grave in last-ditch PR intervention.


	19. Why you should choose Near Harad as your next winter getaway

Fo.A. 45

Ever since the Haradrim allied with Sauron during the War of the Ring, Near Harad's reputation has suffered, particularly among the peoples of northwestern Middle Earth. However, with the war long since over and new trade routes opening up between Harad, Gondor and the North, there has never been a better time to take advantage of a trip to Harad to discover its many hidden attractions. Here are The Times of Arda's suggestions for planning your perfect trip to Near Harad.

What to see:

Harad is full of contrasts. Dramatic mountain scenery vies with endless desert vistas, and dotted here and there are jewel-like oases bursting with birdlife, gurgling springs, lush palm plantations and ancient mudbrick castles.

History buffs will love the mysterious First Age cairns and forts which are scattered in Harad's remote mountain ranges, and those looking for local colour can take a stroll through Harad's exotic markets and bazaars, where you'll find handicrafts and snake-charmers.

Lovers of wildlife are also spoilt for choice. Local travel agencies offer everything from desert camping trips to swimming with dolphins in the crystal-clear waters of the Great Western Sea. Near Umbar, there are a number of mûmakil sanctuaries where you can get up close and personal to these fantastic creatures, some of which saw service in the War of the Ring but have since been honourably retired.

Where to stay:

Harad's greatest metropolis is Umbar on the western coast, a former colonial Númenórean outpost which has became Harad's undisputed cultural capital. There is a wide choice of accommodation for travellers of every budget, but we especially recommend the Umbar Grand, which sits perched high above the city and enjoys fantastic sea views. Double rooms with breakfast cost from 38 castars a night.

What to eat:

The cuisine of Near Harad is as enticing as it is exotic. Sample typical chilli-infused stews and grilled meats at the Ship's Tavern in Umbar, which serves authentic food at reasonable prices.

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This article was written in association with the Board for the Promotion of Tourism in Near Harad.


	20. Formenos Technologies enters administration

F.A. 1495

Formenos Technologies, long considered one of Aman’s most successful technology and metalworking enterprises, has today announced that it will be entering administration.

The shock announcement comes just weeks after the company’s controversial CEO, Fëanáro Finwion, fled Aman for the Hither Lands, horrifying the continent by slaughtering innocent Teleri mariners and then abandoning the rest of the Noldor.

Formenos Technologies was notorious for its haphazard, unconventional management structure. While the company did have an appointed Board, as required under Noldorin company law, in practice Fëanáro ran Formenos Technologies as a one-man enterprise.

There is no doubt that Fëanáro’s talent made Formenos Technologies hugely successful, but his close control has turned out to be the company’s Achilles’ Heel: with him gone, Formenos Technologies lacks the leadership and ability to continue. Administration was almost a foregone conclusion, particularly since Fëanáro’s seven sons have also left.

With that in mind, it’s unlikely that the Board will be able to rescue Formenos Technologies as a going concern. However, prospects for paying off creditors are promising, since Fëanáro left behind a large stock of valuable machinery and goods, ranging from state-of-the-art armour to self-lighting lamps.

The Board may also be able to satisfy creditors with potentially valuable intellectual property. We suspect that Fëanáro’s recent designs for a flying machine will be popular; the machine holds great commercial promise if an engineer can be found to work on it. Unfortunately, most of Aman’s talented engineers left with the rest of the Noldor.


	21. Thranduil wins Middle Earth's Most Eligible Ellon Award

Mirkwood T.A. 6

King Thranduil has won the latest 'Middle Earth's Most Eligible Ellon Award'.

Every 100 years or so, the women of Middle Earth vote on which male elf lingering on the Hither Shores is the most eligible, taking into account factors such as looks, intelligence, musical ability, and muscle mass. This year's shortlist was as follows:

Lord Elrond of Imladris  
Círdan the Shipwright  
Elladan and Elrohir (joint entry)  
King Thranduil of Mirkwood  
Lord Celeborn of Lothlórien  
Haldir 

In third place came Lord Elrond, hero of the recent war against Sauron, who is still single despite a large income and intriguing looks courtesy of his mixed Sindar-Noldor-Mannish-Maia-Vanyar-Teleri heritage.

When pressed for comment, Elrond stated that:

‘I am, of course, pleased to have reached third place in this extraordinary competition. It's almost as great an honour as having helped to defeat Sauron. But I'm sorry to inform my loyal fans that I already have my eyes on a certain special lady. A lady whose name begins with C and ends with N, and to whom I intend to propose as soon as I can get Celeborn to stop glowering at me every time I visit’.

In second place came Haldir, Lothlórien's most famous marchwarden. He won the award three centuries ago on the strength of his animal magnetism, extraordinary skill with a bow, and the notorious 'wet-shirt' incident which was the talk of Lothlórien for at least sixty years.

We were unable to obtain comment from Haldir, as the female reporter we sent to Lothlórien seems to have run away with him. The pair were last spotted engaged in amorous activities in Haldir's bijou flet, but their current whereabouts are unknown.

The winner of this year's award was none other than King Thranduil of Mirkwood. This is the first time Thranduil has won the competition, as until now, Celeborn has won the award almost every time.

A smug Thranduil told The Times of Arda:

‘I'm totally unsurprised that the ladies voted me Middle Earth's Most Eligible Ellon. How could they not, what with my gorgeous golden hair, my fabulous jewellery collection, and my brooding charm? Not to mention, I ride a moose into battle, which makes me much more stylish than stuffy old Celeborn, who, I might add, has definitely been using his wife's powers to rig this competition in his favour ever since it began’.

The award consists of a specially-commissioned life-sized golden statue of the winner, and the right to head all letter correspondence with 'Winner of Middle Earth's Most Eligible Ellon Award'. No doubt Thranduil will be sure to display his statue to advantage in his treasury, which we understand is Middle Earth's largest.


End file.
